This year, I found out that my DH has cheated on me. I didn't actually find out ON Tgiving, but the night before. It still counts. And it still sucks.
The gory details?
- DH likes kinky sex. Me, not so much. This has been a HUGE issue in our marriage and we've been married for 16 years.
- I was in a deep depression during the summer of 2008. Very deep. I could barely function. DH tried his damndest to make me get help, make an appointment w a therapist or my psychiatrist. He tried his damndest to get me to make an appointment w a marriage counselor for us. I was too, too deep into the hole to do this.
- Around this time, DH decided that our marriage was over and he started trolling Craig's list for sex with random strangers.
- We entered marriage counseling. DH wanted to talk about sex and sexuality in our therapy, but our counselor told us at the beginning that she wasn't the person for that. Instead, we focussed on me and getting me to make an appointment with my psych and find a therapist.
- I did manage to make the appointments, finally. Unfortunately, neither the therapist nor the psychiatrist worked out for me. Another one of my issues is that I have ADD. And I'm an alcoholic. I had been diagnosed w ADD while in outpatient rehab. The doc there diagnosed Strattera. At a certain point, I came to the conclusion - way after DH did - that the Straterra was not working. DH says it never did.
- I had been reluctant to try other ADD meds bc of my alcoholism - nothing like giving somebody who already has a substance abuse problem some amphetamines. I told Dr R about my reluctance, but finally, the maelstrom in my mind overshadowed my fear of addiction and I asked Dr R for another med. She did NOT want to write me a prescription for one of the amphetamine-based meds. She preferred adjusting my other meds. Finally, finally, finally, we got to the point where she agreed to test me for ADD. Of course, it turns out that I DO have ADD and she wrote me a scrip for the second-to-least dosage of Ritalin. All of this took about six months, maybe longer.
- I finally did make an appointment w a therapist. Essentially, this only happened bc our marital therapist walked me down the hall to the head of the clinic and set it up for me.
- I'll call this therapist Ms J. We went through the intake process, history, etc. Then it came down to the weekly appointments. I would go in and Ms J would essentially wait for me to talk, to bring up a topic. She didn't offer much in the way of insight, or guidance. Essentially, I was going in there and babbling stream of consciousness for 50 minutes. NOW, I have ISSUES. Many, many issues to work through. And I wasn't getting anywhere. I did manage, I think, to mention to our marital therapist that it wasn't working out with me and Ms J. She helped me switch therapists within the clinic. If she hadn't, I would either be out of therapy, or still seeing the useless Ms J.
- I also decided to dump Dr R. I only became Dr R's patient bc my original shrink retired and I did NOT like Dr R. I still think she dragged her heels about the ritalin for way too long. I personally hold her responsible for a good 4-6 extra months of misery.
- I called the Kaiser Behavioral Health line and asked for a new doc. They asked why, so I told them that I didn't like Dr. R. So, they gave me an appt w Dr J, who is a great improvement over Dr R. First of all, Dr R had me taking 2x the recommended maximum dose of Lexapro. Second, Dr J is easier to talk to. She switched me from ritalin, which wasn't really working all that well, to concerta.
- Like I said, I didn't realize just how far down I was. W the concerta and my other meds adjusted, I started having GOOD DAYS where I could function pretty much like a human being. Before this, I can't remember when my last good day was. Years earlier, probably.
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